After a few breathtaking moments of sheer whiteness, the plane pierces the surface of the clouds to reveal the atmosphere above- a seamless gradient of brilliant blue. Joe could feel the bright hot sun on his face as if layers of invisible insulation had been peeled off.
The seatbelt light turns off, and Joe relaxes his grip on his chair.
As he admires the peacefulness of the cloudscape, he thinks to himself,
"I've packed all the medicine I could possibly need. Cipro for food poisoning. Tylenol for headaches, and Advil for pain. Mom also packed travel tabs for dizziness, Sudafed for congestion, and Cepacol for sore throats. Definitely prepared for the worst."
Two hours into the flight, turbulence starts rocking the plane. Moments later, Joe gets a nagging headache and vertigo. Not to mention that the on-flight lunch isn't sitting too well. Luckily he's prepared for stuff like this. Joe smiles confidently at the passenger next to him and reaches forward into the backpack for the pills. A few seconds pass. His smile disappears.
Realizes he had checked them all in.
Wednesday, July 14, 2004
Wednesday, June 30, 2004
TIP # 1: LEARNING ESSENTIAL CHINESE WORDS
If there's one thing that scares me the most, it's not knowing any Mandarin. Mandarin, for those who don't know, is the primary dialect used in mainland China. I actually know only how to say one thing: "I want to fart."
I'm fully aware that this useful phrase probably won't get me too far at the family dinner table.
A few days ago, my mom learned of my obstinate illiteracy and she offered me her conversational phrase tapes to help me out. As I put on the dusty headphones, I got really gung-ho about learning Mandarin. It's been three days since I started. Now I know how to proudly say in perfectly fluent Chinese- wo men you ge wu xian dian xue xi xiao zu da jia hai: "We have a Radio Study Club and they have elected me then as Club leader." Another powerfully useful phrase.
If there's one thing that scares me the most, it's not knowing any Mandarin. Mandarin, for those who don't know, is the primary dialect used in mainland China. I actually know only how to say one thing: "I want to fart."
I'm fully aware that this useful phrase probably won't get me too far at the family dinner table.
A few days ago, my mom learned of my obstinate illiteracy and she offered me her conversational phrase tapes to help me out. As I put on the dusty headphones, I got really gung-ho about learning Mandarin. It's been three days since I started. Now I know how to proudly say in perfectly fluent Chinese- wo men you ge wu xian dian xue xi xiao zu da jia hai: "We have a Radio Study Club and they have elected me then as Club leader." Another powerfully useful phrase.
Sunday, December 28, 2003
Normally, you should be happy when you walk out of a store, especially after you've bought something you want... not my experience.
Case in point: Boxing Day afternoon 2003.
4:30pm. At Staples. There's no line-up.
Me, my dad, and my sister are at the till purchasing two printers, costing $88. (This is not a math problem!) We were trying to take advantage of the store's rule of beating the lowest price of their competitor, so we hold up a flyer from Compusmart, pointing out the fact that the other guys are selling the exact same thing for a lower price- $79. Girl sees it. Claims that there's a mathematical mistake on the flyer. We argue that there's no such error and after three minutes, she gives in.
4:35pm. Two people behind us.
For some reason, the store's cash just won't do the price match. She calls another guy to come in an examine the machine. The guy fixes the machine and tells her to do two separate transactions for each printer so that we can take advantage of their holiday offer for a free $10 gift certificate for each $100 we spend. Then, he suggested, we can apply the $10 on the second printer, saving us money. What a deal!
4:40pm. Six people behind us.
"Ding!" The register shows $115.75 on the screen. Dad peers at the number, and asks in a confident voice, "That's for the two printers, I suppose?" Girl shakes her head and says bluntly, "No. Just one of them." After another five minutes of haggling, we realize that on top of the $50 instant rebate that brought the price down to this astronomical figure, we had to send in a separate "mail-in rebate" to bring the total down below $79. Add the taxes (and subsequent inflation that occured while waiting in the line), you get $115.75. Plus, we can't actually use the $10 coupon on the second printer, because that would cancel out the the other $10 coupon we'd get. Dad argues some more.
4:45pm. Some disgruntled shoppers leave the line. The woman behind us is quite entertained, however.
The visa card is finally swept through and a flurry of receipts pour out of the till. One for the VISA. Two for the rebate. (Three to get ready, now go cat go...)
In the 21st century, you'd think shopping technology would advance to a simple a swipe-and-go process? No. At Staples, they've turned shopping into a mini calculus course.
Case in point: Boxing Day afternoon 2003.
4:30pm. At Staples. There's no line-up.
Me, my dad, and my sister are at the till purchasing two printers, costing $88. (This is not a math problem!) We were trying to take advantage of the store's rule of beating the lowest price of their competitor, so we hold up a flyer from Compusmart, pointing out the fact that the other guys are selling the exact same thing for a lower price- $79. Girl sees it. Claims that there's a mathematical mistake on the flyer. We argue that there's no such error and after three minutes, she gives in.
4:35pm. Two people behind us.
For some reason, the store's cash just won't do the price match. She calls another guy to come in an examine the machine. The guy fixes the machine and tells her to do two separate transactions for each printer so that we can take advantage of their holiday offer for a free $10 gift certificate for each $100 we spend. Then, he suggested, we can apply the $10 on the second printer, saving us money. What a deal!
4:40pm. Six people behind us.
"Ding!" The register shows $115.75 on the screen. Dad peers at the number, and asks in a confident voice, "That's for the two printers, I suppose?" Girl shakes her head and says bluntly, "No. Just one of them." After another five minutes of haggling, we realize that on top of the $50 instant rebate that brought the price down to this astronomical figure, we had to send in a separate "mail-in rebate" to bring the total down below $79. Add the taxes (and subsequent inflation that occured while waiting in the line), you get $115.75. Plus, we can't actually use the $10 coupon on the second printer, because that would cancel out the the other $10 coupon we'd get. Dad argues some more.
4:45pm. Some disgruntled shoppers leave the line. The woman behind us is quite entertained, however.
The visa card is finally swept through and a flurry of receipts pour out of the till. One for the VISA. Two for the rebate. (Three to get ready, now go cat go...)
In the 21st century, you'd think shopping technology would advance to a simple a swipe-and-go process? No. At Staples, they've turned shopping into a mini calculus course.
Friday, December 19, 2003
West Edmonton Mall.
If you could ascribe one adjective.. one singular thought.. to the Edmonton's shopping mall, it would be this: MONSTROUS. But I'm not talking about size- I mean, it's not the 800 shops that boggles my mind. Neither is it the acres of multi-level parking surrounding the sprawling monolithic complex. For me, the monster is the Mall's absurd bricolage. Under its roof contains a collection of oddities: an amusement park, an ice rink, a golf course, a submarine grotto, and even a Spanish galleon. It's also got a kid-friendly mascot, a catchy jingle, and a claim to fame as largest mall in the worl. With all this in mind, doesn't it remind us of something in Southern California?
Of course, despite being a two-headed monster, it also has a distinction of being an amazing BLACK HOLE for the whole region of Northern Alberta. Think about the economics..
Canadian company discovers oil near Fort McMurray. American oil conglomerate extracts oil from sands. Oil is sold to Esso. SUV pulls up to gas station and fills up. SUV guzzles most of the gas driving 30 km across the city to West Edmonton Mall.
Here's a familiar story: Teenage girls think about what to do on a Saturday afternoon. One says emphatically, "SHOPPING!" Another exclaims, "WATERPARK!" Third one shakes her head and wants to watch a movie. No matter what they pick, one thing's for sure: they'll all end up somewhere in West Edmonton Mall.
If you could ascribe one adjective.. one singular thought.. to the Edmonton's shopping mall, it would be this: MONSTROUS. But I'm not talking about size- I mean, it's not the 800 shops that boggles my mind. Neither is it the acres of multi-level parking surrounding the sprawling monolithic complex. For me, the monster is the Mall's absurd bricolage. Under its roof contains a collection of oddities: an amusement park, an ice rink, a golf course, a submarine grotto, and even a Spanish galleon. It's also got a kid-friendly mascot, a catchy jingle, and a claim to fame as largest mall in the worl. With all this in mind, doesn't it remind us of something in Southern California?
Of course, despite being a two-headed monster, it also has a distinction of being an amazing BLACK HOLE for the whole region of Northern Alberta. Think about the economics..
Canadian company discovers oil near Fort McMurray. American oil conglomerate extracts oil from sands. Oil is sold to Esso. SUV pulls up to gas station and fills up. SUV guzzles most of the gas driving 30 km across the city to West Edmonton Mall.
Here's a familiar story: Teenage girls think about what to do on a Saturday afternoon. One says emphatically, "SHOPPING!" Another exclaims, "WATERPARK!" Third one shakes her head and wants to watch a movie. No matter what they pick, one thing's for sure: they'll all end up somewhere in West Edmonton Mall.
Sunday, November 09, 2003
Sunday, June 15, 2003
"I can't believe I paid 15 bucks for this?!" exclaims my exasperated friend Dan as we headed up the ramps of the Guggenheim Museum in New York. Although he might have thought of wringing my neck for dragging him all the way here, my other two friends are wringing their stomachs, faces pale from the nauseating climb up a parking-lot style ramp of wonder. The exhibition was an exercise of various artistic media- moving pictures to still life- to confront a dramatic perspective of our biological nature. Everything that wasn't plasticized was covered in vaseline goo, and flat screens in the atrium and elsewhere showed various parts of a continuous mythological film that was both absurd and perverse. Although the art never really made much sense, I read later that afternoon that the artist's theme was based exclusively on a muscle that regulated testicular ascension and decension. Satisfied with this epiphany, it was soon very clear to me that my appetite for dinner had completely vanished.
New York City is a megalopolis of contrasts. A simple jog from the boathouse in Central Park to the Nasdaq billboard in Times Square shows that the city isn't the monotony of over-scaled office buildings some claim it to be. Favorite spot? Forget skating in the winter at Rockefeller Center- sip a margarita on ice at the very same place in the heat of the summer. The colored lights of a glorious fountain, the serenity of the shiny stone buildings above, the reassuring tapping of jazz- this is New York at its finest.
New York City is a megalopolis of contrasts. A simple jog from the boathouse in Central Park to the Nasdaq billboard in Times Square shows that the city isn't the monotony of over-scaled office buildings some claim it to be. Favorite spot? Forget skating in the winter at Rockefeller Center- sip a margarita on ice at the very same place in the heat of the summer. The colored lights of a glorious fountain, the serenity of the shiny stone buildings above, the reassuring tapping of jazz- this is New York at its finest.
Friday, April 25, 2003
So it's been ages since i posted a blog..
Things that have happened since my last blog...
-The US starts and finishes war with Iraq
-SARS virus attacks the globe and parts of Canada under quarantine
-Quebec is no longer sovereigntist
-The Oilers make and lose the playoffs
-My egg salad sandwich is still in fridge
Crazy, huh?
Things that have happened since my last blog...
-The US starts and finishes war with Iraq
-SARS virus attacks the globe and parts of Canada under quarantine
-Quebec is no longer sovereigntist
-The Oilers make and lose the playoffs
-My egg salad sandwich is still in fridge
Crazy, huh?
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
Monday, February 24, 2003
There's only two sets of people in the world. Those who know how to tune a guitar properly, and those who don't. As a proud member of the musically deaf half of society, I triumphantly lift my electric guitar tuner in the air and say..
"Over my cold dead body!"
Of course, people don't know the difficult logistics of using an electric tuner. It's- like blowing your nose- a fine art. First, we need a couple constants: A guitar enthusiast is usually in the seated position. Second, you use both hands to play a guitar. Third, the tuner is as big as a Palm.
And now the critical problem: With the exception to people with three arms, most people cannot play the guitar and hold a tuner at the same time. And the tuner HAS to be inches away from the sound hole to register a note (especially in loud environments). For short-legged people like me, the body of the guitar takes away most of the surface area of the thighs. Failure to stabilize the tuner is the number one reason why people stop using tuners.
Of course I think positive.. it not so much an OBSTACLE as it is an OPPORTUNITY.
My secret is this (drum roll please): I clasp the tuner with my thighs (much like a clamp), and the pressure exerted horizontally allows me to both position the tuner at any angle i want AND I can sit like a regular man.
Now advice like this is priceless. So I won't charge you a penny. But what I DO ask you to do is to spread THIS word: Let EVERY WARM-BLOODED GUITARIST know that it is indeed possible to use an battery-powered tuner WITHOUT SHAME.
And that it is OK if you think A sounds like E....
"Over my cold dead body!"
Of course, people don't know the difficult logistics of using an electric tuner. It's- like blowing your nose- a fine art. First, we need a couple constants: A guitar enthusiast is usually in the seated position. Second, you use both hands to play a guitar. Third, the tuner is as big as a Palm.
And now the critical problem: With the exception to people with three arms, most people cannot play the guitar and hold a tuner at the same time. And the tuner HAS to be inches away from the sound hole to register a note (especially in loud environments). For short-legged people like me, the body of the guitar takes away most of the surface area of the thighs. Failure to stabilize the tuner is the number one reason why people stop using tuners.
Of course I think positive.. it not so much an OBSTACLE as it is an OPPORTUNITY.
My secret is this (drum roll please): I clasp the tuner with my thighs (much like a clamp), and the pressure exerted horizontally allows me to both position the tuner at any angle i want AND I can sit like a regular man.
Now advice like this is priceless. So I won't charge you a penny. But what I DO ask you to do is to spread THIS word: Let EVERY WARM-BLOODED GUITARIST know that it is indeed possible to use an battery-powered tuner WITHOUT SHAME.
And that it is OK if you think A sounds like E....
Monday, February 10, 2003
The true story of what happened at the US border crossing:
(Enquirer 12:30am Feb 1, 2003)
The Homeland Security Advisory System has increased the level of security to Orange, or "Elevated", after a string of suspicious activity on the Canada-US border at Hightree Vermont. Early reports indicate that three stocky Chinese men and one tall Latino woman were escorted into the station after border patrol guards found alarming amounts of what looked like reddish-powdered Canadian potato chips in the trunk of the rental vehicle.
An American that had been following the vehicle that night reported witnessing what appeared to be impaired driving- swerving irratically, frequent lane changing, and an uncomfortable use of high beams. The driver, who is also a pharmacist, suspects that the red-powder must have been Turkish methamphetamines, causing the abnormal driving.
Another eyewitness saw what appeared to be an attempt to escape the border station.
"The Mexican girl was distracting one of the guards, as the other two made their way to the side exit," said the 84-year old native of Vermont.
However, the situation turned grim when one of the inspectors accidentally damaged the suspension system of the vehicle while jumping up and down on the surpisingly plush leather seats.
The Canadians were later released on bail.
(Enquirer 12:30am Feb 1, 2003)
The Homeland Security Advisory System has increased the level of security to Orange, or "Elevated", after a string of suspicious activity on the Canada-US border at Hightree Vermont. Early reports indicate that three stocky Chinese men and one tall Latino woman were escorted into the station after border patrol guards found alarming amounts of what looked like reddish-powdered Canadian potato chips in the trunk of the rental vehicle.
An American that had been following the vehicle that night reported witnessing what appeared to be impaired driving- swerving irratically, frequent lane changing, and an uncomfortable use of high beams. The driver, who is also a pharmacist, suspects that the red-powder must have been Turkish methamphetamines, causing the abnormal driving.
Another eyewitness saw what appeared to be an attempt to escape the border station.
"The Mexican girl was distracting one of the guards, as the other two made their way to the side exit," said the 84-year old native of Vermont.
However, the situation turned grim when one of the inspectors accidentally damaged the suspension system of the vehicle while jumping up and down on the surpisingly plush leather seats.
The Canadians were later released on bail.
Wednesday, January 22, 2003
Universal health care is one of the most valued institutions of Canada, and we all brag about its virtues. So why am I sitting here at work in pain from a major toothache, and an irritating rash on my leg for the past month? Why haven't I seen a doctor for a general check-up in the past year, and why haven't I see a dentist in the past ten?
The reason is this- contrary to what the immigration officer tells you, health care isn't REALLY free! And not only that- it's superfluous, complicated, ineffective, and SLOW! For every minute I spend inside a doctor's room, I generally spend 30 mins in his waiting room. So a 6 min examination of a rash could potentially take three hours of wait. Now the question I ask is this.. what in the world is the doctor doing 95% of the time that I'm waiting? Sometimes.. NOTHING! One time in a drop-in clinic, I overheard the nurses explaining to a disgruntled patient that ALL the doctors were watching a VIDEO! Now for the guy with broncitis coughing his brains out, or the lady clenching her seat because of a unbearable cramp- isn't that UNSETTLING? And for me, with the rash on the leg.. in the three hours of waiting for the doctors to finish watching Titanic, I could literally watch my rash spread up into my groin and see my dreams of watching my future son play soccer disappear before my very eyes.
The reason is this- contrary to what the immigration officer tells you, health care isn't REALLY free! And not only that- it's superfluous, complicated, ineffective, and SLOW! For every minute I spend inside a doctor's room, I generally spend 30 mins in his waiting room. So a 6 min examination of a rash could potentially take three hours of wait. Now the question I ask is this.. what in the world is the doctor doing 95% of the time that I'm waiting? Sometimes.. NOTHING! One time in a drop-in clinic, I overheard the nurses explaining to a disgruntled patient that ALL the doctors were watching a VIDEO! Now for the guy with broncitis coughing his brains out, or the lady clenching her seat because of a unbearable cramp- isn't that UNSETTLING? And for me, with the rash on the leg.. in the three hours of waiting for the doctors to finish watching Titanic, I could literally watch my rash spread up into my groin and see my dreams of watching my future son play soccer disappear before my very eyes.
Friday, December 06, 2002
It's strange this world is. I sound like Yoda. Though I'm not a big Star Wars fan, I know who Yoda is. Although some freaks regard him as some god, I see it more as what happens when you live TOO long. Yoda's like a million years old, and he actually LOOKS like he's bored with everything. Yes he is incredibly intelligent. Yes he can conjure up wisdom in a snap. And yes he can kick like Bruce Lee. But he SO LETHARGIC! man, maybe it's the age, but then again.. if he can fight like a troll doll on steroids, why does he limp around with a stick all the time??! it's beyond me. oh by the way, my coworker kinda looks like Yoda.
Monday, October 28, 2002
If you ever want to see what preachers call the "excesses of life", look at this: paperwork. That's another pet-peeve of mine! Billions of sheets of paper each day are copied and recopied, and collated so perfectly in offices around the world. Then these beautiful reproductions, still hot off the xerox machine, are processed by office workers. Some copies get shipped off. Others are scanned. Some get to the morning meeting. But these sheets are the lucky ones. Most of that paper take a lonelier course- they get exiled into storage. Sad sad sad... the reds go in one room, the greens in another.. the whites get passed around.. this is the real segregation in the workplace.
I'm riling about this mainly because it's 10pm, and I'm still at work. I'm fine, of course, it's not often I get to blog at work, but the real reason why I'm here is paperwork. Lots of it! Since the office doesn't have those thousand dollar copiers that automatically sorts staple punch and collate, I have the privilege of doing it all by hand. So archaic. Yet, I've mastered the skill of copying so well that I can collate 5 different hundred page double-sided stapled hold-punched documents faster than ANY copier on earth. Seriously, I'm the Gary Kasparov of the Xerox-world. Put me up against Deep Blue. =)
I'm riling about this mainly because it's 10pm, and I'm still at work. I'm fine, of course, it's not often I get to blog at work, but the real reason why I'm here is paperwork. Lots of it! Since the office doesn't have those thousand dollar copiers that automatically sorts staple punch and collate, I have the privilege of doing it all by hand. So archaic. Yet, I've mastered the skill of copying so well that I can collate 5 different hundred page double-sided stapled hold-punched documents faster than ANY copier on earth. Seriously, I'm the Gary Kasparov of the Xerox-world. Put me up against Deep Blue. =)
Wednesday, August 21, 2002
I hate to say it, but computers are probably the single biggest threat to life as we know it. People logging in logging out, staring endlessly at jumbled words in some self-proclaimed news site, shuffling symbols on a screen, working.. yet not. Is it really important to be connected to the world in this way? Where life becomes digitized into paragraphs, where your friend in China is so much closer than the person sitting right beside you.. simply put, the Internet is degrading everyday life more than it helps. Sifting through sands of 1s and 0s, we're not finding stuff we want, but finding stuff we don't. Although the Internet helps satisfy our unquenchable thirst for information and entertainment, sites are purely run from Americans succumbing to repetitive and deceptive advertising. The world has to get up off the chair and wake up to the permanence of a well-worn book, or satisfaction of an early morning jog. Think about it: computers were meant only to help people crunch numbers, not eat up vast amounts of one's precious day.
Monday, August 05, 2002
"Do you like sexy animals doing the wild thing? We have the super hot content on the Internet!"
I'm getting more and more of this stuff in my email. It won't go away.. I even take the time to follow some of their instructions to unsubscribe.. and then I get EVEN MORE! MAN.. First of all, I don't even WANT to see animals doing it. I mean, if you're going to catch my attention, this is definitely not it. Second of all, they have super HOT content of this stuff. Like HOT. Since WHEN was the biology film about the cow's three reproductive systems HOT??
OK, that's about all I can muster up for now.. man Jon, how can you write SO much?????
I'm getting more and more of this stuff in my email. It won't go away.. I even take the time to follow some of their instructions to unsubscribe.. and then I get EVEN MORE! MAN.. First of all, I don't even WANT to see animals doing it. I mean, if you're going to catch my attention, this is definitely not it. Second of all, they have super HOT content of this stuff. Like HOT. Since WHEN was the biology film about the cow's three reproductive systems HOT??
OK, that's about all I can muster up for now.. man Jon, how can you write SO much?????
Saturday, July 20, 2002
these days, you really can't say you're exercising anymore.. that's just not cool. people are tempted to say they're "pumping iron", or "working out"..it's more proper. working out doesn't really make sense when you think about it.. i mean, can you ever work IN? (actually they say THAT too. "Can I work IN with you?" meaning can you take over the machine and set it ten notches lighter..
you could say I worked in today working out during my workout.)
I get a little envious when the guy next to me pulls a dumbbell five times bigger than mine, and YET looks the same. where DO those muscles come from. then there's those people who look unhealthy. some look unhealthy as they scream in pain while lifting the bar as they chest press. problem is.. they're just lifting the BAR. haha. then there's those who look like they go to the gym 3 times a day. i can tell you that they must be popping some active ingredients into their mouths in the morning. i kinda feel sorry for them too. they can't even bend over because they're so big. they can't even clap their hands..tsk tsk... of course, there's me. i look pretty healthy by my standards. 5'3" 120 lbs. fine, they're pretty girly statistics.. BUT that's WHY i'm heading to the gym more..
you could say I worked in today working out during my workout.)
I get a little envious when the guy next to me pulls a dumbbell five times bigger than mine, and YET looks the same. where DO those muscles come from. then there's those people who look unhealthy. some look unhealthy as they scream in pain while lifting the bar as they chest press. problem is.. they're just lifting the BAR. haha. then there's those who look like they go to the gym 3 times a day. i can tell you that they must be popping some active ingredients into their mouths in the morning. i kinda feel sorry for them too. they can't even bend over because they're so big. they can't even clap their hands..tsk tsk... of course, there's me. i look pretty healthy by my standards. 5'3" 120 lbs. fine, they're pretty girly statistics.. BUT that's WHY i'm heading to the gym more..
Wednesday, July 17, 2002
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