Normally, you should be happy when you walk out of a store, especially after you've bought something you want... not my experience.

Case in point: Boxing Day afternoon 2003.

4:30pm. At Staples. There's no line-up.

Me, my dad, and my sister are at the till purchasing two printers, costing $88. (This is not a math problem!) We were trying to take advantage of the store's rule of beating the lowest price of their competitor, so we hold up a flyer from Compusmart, pointing out the fact that the other guys are selling the exact same thing for a lower price- $79. Girl sees it. Claims that there's a mathematical mistake on the flyer. We argue that there's no such error and after three minutes, she gives in.

4:35pm. Two people behind us.

For some reason, the store's cash just won't do the price match. She calls another guy to come in an examine the machine. The guy fixes the machine and tells her to do two separate transactions for each printer so that we can take advantage of their holiday offer for a free $10 gift certificate for each $100 we spend. Then, he suggested, we can apply the $10 on the second printer, saving us money. What a deal!

4:40pm. Six people behind us.

"Ding!" The register shows $115.75 on the screen. Dad peers at the number, and asks in a confident voice, "That's for the two printers, I suppose?" Girl shakes her head and says bluntly, "No. Just one of them." After another five minutes of haggling, we realize that on top of the $50 instant rebate that brought the price down to this astronomical figure, we had to send in a separate "mail-in rebate" to bring the total down below $79. Add the taxes (and subsequent inflation that occured while waiting in the line), you get $115.75. Plus, we can't actually use the $10 coupon on the second printer, because that would cancel out the the other $10 coupon we'd get. Dad argues some more.

4:45pm. Some disgruntled shoppers leave the line. The woman behind us is quite entertained, however.

The visa card is finally swept through and a flurry of receipts pour out of the till. One for the VISA. Two for the rebate. (Three to get ready, now go cat go...)

In the 21st century, you'd think shopping technology would advance to a simple a swipe-and-go process? No. At Staples, they've turned shopping into a mini calculus course.

West Edmonton Mall.


If you could ascribe one adjective.. one singular thought.. to the Edmonton's shopping mall, it would be this: MONSTROUS. But I'm not talking about size- I mean, it's not the 800 shops that boggles my mind. Neither is it the acres of multi-level parking surrounding the sprawling monolithic complex. For me, the monster is the Mall's absurd bricolage. Under its roof contains a collection of oddities: an amusement park, an ice rink, a golf course, a submarine grotto, and even a Spanish galleon. It's also got a kid-friendly mascot, a catchy jingle, and a claim to fame as largest mall in the worl. With all this in mind, doesn't it remind us of something in Southern California?

Of course, despite being a two-headed monster, it also has a distinction of being an amazing BLACK HOLE for the whole region of Northern Alberta. Think about the economics..

Canadian company discovers oil near Fort McMurray. American oil conglomerate extracts oil from sands. Oil is sold to Esso. SUV pulls up to gas station and fills up. SUV guzzles most of the gas driving 30 km across the city to West Edmonton Mall.

Here's a familiar story: Teenage girls think about what to do on a Saturday afternoon. One says emphatically, "SHOPPING!" Another exclaims, "WATERPARK!" Third one shakes her head and wants to watch a movie. No matter what they pick, one thing's for sure: they'll all end up somewhere in West Edmonton Mall.

I'm thinking right now that since it's past 5AM, i've resolved to just stay up the whole night.

OK.. getting sleepy...

"I can't believe I paid 15 bucks for this?!" exclaims my exasperated friend Dan as we headed up the ramps of the Guggenheim Museum in New York. Although he might have thought of wringing my neck for dragging him all the way here, my other two friends are wringing their stomachs, faces pale from the nauseating climb up a parking-lot style ramp of wonder. The exhibition was an exercise of various artistic media- moving pictures to still life- to confront a dramatic perspective of our biological nature. Everything that wasn't plasticized was covered in vaseline goo, and flat screens in the atrium and elsewhere showed various parts of a continuous mythological film that was both absurd and perverse. Although the art never really made much sense, I read later that afternoon that the artist's theme was based exclusively on a muscle that regulated testicular ascension and decension. Satisfied with this epiphany, it was soon very clear to me that my appetite for dinner had completely vanished.

New York City is a megalopolis of contrasts. A simple jog from the boathouse in Central Park to the Nasdaq billboard in Times Square shows that the city isn't the monotony of over-scaled office buildings some claim it to be. Favorite spot? Forget skating in the winter at Rockefeller Center- sip a margarita on ice at the very same place in the heat of the summer. The colored lights of a glorious fountain, the serenity of the shiny stone buildings above, the reassuring tapping of jazz- this is New York at its finest.

So it's been ages since i posted a blog..
Things that have happened since my last blog...

-The US starts and finishes war with Iraq
-SARS virus attacks the globe and parts of Canada under quarantine
-Quebec is no longer sovereigntist
-The Oilers make and lose the playoffs
-My egg salad sandwich is still in fridge

Crazy, huh?

Read Adrian's blog. It's the funniest thing I ever read!
http://www.8w.blogspot.com/

There's only two sets of people in the world. Those who know how to tune a guitar properly, and those who don't. As a proud member of the musically deaf half of society, I triumphantly lift my electric guitar tuner in the air and say..

"Over my cold dead body!"

Of course, people don't know the difficult logistics of using an electric tuner. It's- like blowing your nose- a fine art. First, we need a couple constants: A guitar enthusiast is usually in the seated position. Second, you use both hands to play a guitar. Third, the tuner is as big as a Palm.

And now the critical problem: With the exception to people with three arms, most people cannot play the guitar and hold a tuner at the same time. And the tuner HAS to be inches away from the sound hole to register a note (especially in loud environments). For short-legged people like me, the body of the guitar takes away most of the surface area of the thighs. Failure to stabilize the tuner is the number one reason why people stop using tuners.

Of course I think positive.. it not so much an OBSTACLE as it is an OPPORTUNITY.

My secret is this (drum roll please): I clasp the tuner with my thighs (much like a clamp), and the pressure exerted horizontally allows me to both position the tuner at any angle i want AND I can sit like a regular man.

Now advice like this is priceless. So I won't charge you a penny. But what I DO ask you to do is to spread THIS word: Let EVERY WARM-BLOODED GUITARIST know that it is indeed possible to use an battery-powered tuner WITHOUT SHAME.

And that it is OK if you think A sounds like E....

The true story of what happened at the US border crossing:

(Enquirer 12:30am Feb 1, 2003)

The Homeland Security Advisory System has increased the level of security to Orange, or "Elevated", after a string of suspicious activity on the Canada-US border at Hightree Vermont. Early reports indicate that three stocky Chinese men and one tall Latino woman were escorted into the station after border patrol guards found alarming amounts of what looked like reddish-powdered Canadian potato chips in the trunk of the rental vehicle.

An American that had been following the vehicle that night reported witnessing what appeared to be impaired driving- swerving irratically, frequent lane changing, and an uncomfortable use of high beams. The driver, who is also a pharmacist, suspects that the red-powder must have been Turkish methamphetamines, causing the abnormal driving.

Another eyewitness saw what appeared to be an attempt to escape the border station.

"The Mexican girl was distracting one of the guards, as the other two made their way to the side exit," said the 84-year old native of Vermont.

However, the situation turned grim when one of the inspectors accidentally damaged the suspension system of the vehicle while jumping up and down on the surpisingly plush leather seats.

The Canadians were later released on bail.

Universal health care is one of the most valued institutions of Canada, and we all brag about its virtues. So why am I sitting here at work in pain from a major toothache, and an irritating rash on my leg for the past month? Why haven't I seen a doctor for a general check-up in the past year, and why haven't I see a dentist in the past ten?

The reason is this- contrary to what the immigration officer tells you, health care isn't REALLY free! And not only that- it's superfluous, complicated, ineffective, and SLOW! For every minute I spend inside a doctor's room, I generally spend 30 mins in his waiting room. So a 6 min examination of a rash could potentially take three hours of wait. Now the question I ask is this.. what in the world is the doctor doing 95% of the time that I'm waiting? Sometimes.. NOTHING! One time in a drop-in clinic, I overheard the nurses explaining to a disgruntled patient that ALL the doctors were watching a VIDEO! Now for the guy with broncitis coughing his brains out, or the lady clenching her seat because of a unbearable cramp- isn't that UNSETTLING? And for me, with the rash on the leg.. in the three hours of waiting for the doctors to finish watching Titanic, I could literally watch my rash spread up into my groin and see my dreams of watching my future son play soccer disappear before my very eyes.